10 Things a Belayer Should Never Say

Ray Bernard at Yamnuska. Vince Hempsall photo

10 things a belayer should never say while you’re on lead:

1. Pretend you don’t suck.
2. How does this AT thingee work again?
3. While staring at a Grigri: “Oh Oh. You’re the hand!”
4. Whoops.
5. You’re secure right?
6. Hold on a sec, my phone’s ringing.
7. You’re ass looks fat in that harness.
8. INCOMING!
9. Did you know your rope’s frayed right through here?
10. Woah. That was close. I almost dropped my iPad.

10 Things a climber should never say to a belayer:

1. This climb’s as easy as your girlfriend.
2. I’m going to trundle this RV-sized block.
3. There’s a cougar behind you.
4. You know one of my pet peeves? Your hands.
5. ROCK! Just kidding.
6. This hold’s as loose as your mom.
7. I can see your bald spot from here.
8. I just took out life insurance and you’re my benefactor.
9. Hey, I can see your house from here. And it’s on fire.
10. You’re such a pussy. I have no fear of big whippers.